THE STEEL IN ME---Part Two

"Hi Nay" I said upon answering my phone.
"Are you having back pains again? It's been raining here since yesterday, what about over there? she asked.
"It raining today, a heavy one don't worry Nay I'm just fine" I explained.
"Ok, take your medicine immediately after breakfast for the ache might get worse and take a rest, anyway......" and her litany started, I thought to myself. I know it will take forever before she finished her speech reminding me of things that I should and should not do. I know this line too well and here she go again.........

I just finished talking with my mother. I stared at the my phone for a few minutes I feel a thousand times better  after our conversation. She instructed me a million things and what's clear tome was to take my pain reliever after eating and take a rest  for she fears my back pains might get worse. Titanium, which are the one that I have in my back are weak to cold, that is why every time it rains I feel so fragile  and have these back pains. I was used to it already and I actually  handle it well.

 I climbed out of bed and started to do my morning rituals. It was a Saturday and my projects are already piling up that's why I must start early. I started to do my assignments. I am already fresh from bath and I also had my medication done. I stared at the blank page hoping to start something for my project. Yet, I was distracted.

After all these years, I still remember  everything about the experience. I have accepted the fact that the event will always be with me, a part of who I am. Especially the Titaniums that I have in my back  or as my friends call me, the steel in me. When I underwent to the  surgery, they have to put Titanium metal to my spine to stop it from increasing  the curve Titanium metals are the one's that are usually used by surgeon because of it's  characteristics, it is inert to human body fluids, strong yet light weight, flexible and it's non magnetic so its actually perfect  for the job.

When I decided to take the risk in order for me to get well, I eventually thought the hardest part would the  recovery period. I was right, and wrong at the same time. After the operation,  one coherent thought that crossed my mind was that I was alive and I was thankful for that miracle. I made a decision, that I would do everything of my ability to get well. Not for myself, but for my family because  I know that the burden they were carrying was twice as the one I that I  have. Everything  felt so weird, especially with my whole back being numb, if you'll ask me if it was painful I will answer you a big  NO. There was no severe pain I was oblivious of the pain and my back was simply numb that time.

I had the whole summer of the year 2008 for recovery period. After that awkward stage for me, I thought that my nightmare finally would end. I was dead wrong. I thought  I could do what I love to do again, the stuffs I am fund with before I got diagnosed, I was not.

 The hardest part of my trial was facing my own self. My own demons. Of course, there were so many restrictions after the surgery. You can't do this, can't do that. Few are: not to run,jump,bend,carry anything heavy and so many more. The result? I was not a typical teenager.





Right after the operation were the darkest part of the journey. I had a lot of insecurity issues .I felt worthless, abnormal and jealous. The painful part was I got bullied. They called me a cyborg,"bagtik" and a lot more.  As expected my self-esteem went low and the confidence I once had vanished. For the second time, I detached myself from the crowd. The person whom I had was my best friend. Everyone misjudged me, I didn't freaking care. I was like this till the end of my high school days.I  became passive to time, to reality ,to the world.

When I entered college ,everything was so new.  I have to live my life in the present, I have to stand up on my own. The people around me made me realize one thing: CHANGE. I need to change and start living my life. Why, I had the second chance in life and I was wasting it. Someone slap that reality to my face(thanks to her) and I knew that she was right. I had so many excuses, lame ones.  It was again difficult, I was leaving my comfort zone and everything felt so new. I have to do it one day at a time.I was again at base one. To be honest, of all the pain I experienced the one that scarred me the most was not the physical pain, but the emotional ones that I had to endure during the whole time.Involuntarily I touch the scar at my back.

I stare again at the screen of the laptop.My smiling face is flashing on the screen. I looked at my picture. They say I was a brave girl,,and I realize maybe I still am. I was being nostalgic for  an hour and a half already , I noticed as I looked at my watch. Until now I am trying to overcome my fears, my issues, my demons. They say I am tough because I survived everything, what they don't know is that there are million of cases like mine in the world. I am just one of the many.

Yes, I am tough.-- the steel in me says so...but there are still challenges to overcome.
I  hope and pray that the steel in me can conquer it...just like before.

I started to type at the blank page. I know now what I should write.